Me or God? A night of questions…

“You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life;

and it is they that bear witness about me,

yet you refuse to come to me that you may have life.”

John 5:39-41

Do you ever wonder what your motives are for being a Christian?

Right off the bat, it seems like a simple question to answer.  To be saved from Hell, to have eternal life, to give my life meaning: all of the previous statements are quick, easy, and honest answers to why we call Jesus our Lord and Savior.

Here’s my real question though: Is the point of being a Christian to serve yourself or to serve God? To glorify yourself or to glorify God?

I write in my journal multiple times during each day and most of these times, my journaling sessions are times of prayer.  When I thumb back through the pages though, most of all of prayers are all about me, my family and friends, and our problems.  Everything is centered around me, and my prayers hardly ever are a reflection of my relationship with God.

This leads me to my next question: Is having a relationship with God built upon fulfilling your needs or finding that God is everything you need?

At the root of all of these questions is an underlying question of your motives: Me or God?

Come back and read about what happened after the night of questions… 🙂

All I can do is pray…

Tonight, I am writing to you from a heart of fear.

I’ve never seen death before.  I’m blessed to say that all of my grandparents and other loved ones are still blessing this earth with their presence and their love.

But there’s a realization that comes knocking on the door of my heart now, and it’s a realization that not only brings tears to my eyes but lets the water works run free.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket–safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from the perturbations of love is Hell.”

–C. S. Lewis–

And here I am now, vulnerable to one of my greatest fears, and all I know to do is pray.

“A voice says, ‘Cry!’

And I said, ‘What shall I cry?’

All flesh is grass,

and all its beauty is like the flower of the field.

The grass withers, the flower fades

when the breath of the Lord blows on it;

surely the people are grass.

The grass withers, the flower fades,


the Word of our God

will stand


Isaiah 40:6-8

All I can do is pray…

I prayed that God would reveal His beauty, and He took me to a field of flowers

I prayed that God would reveal His beauty to me, and He took me to a field of yellow wildflowers.

“All flesh is grass, and all its beauty is like the flower of a field.

The grass withers, the flower fades when the breath of the Lord blows on it;

surely the people are grass.

The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will

stand forever.”

– Isaiah 40:6-8 –

“Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin,

yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.”

– Matthew 6:28-29 –


I once read that the presence of God must be practiced.  In the same way, the art of seeing His beauty all around you must be practiced.  Pray to Him this morning, and ask that He reveal His beauty to you.  Once you begin to open your eyes while walking through each moment of every day, you’ll be amazed by how quickly God will show His beauty to you: through a person, through a quote, or even through a field of flowers.

Workers in a harvest field

For the past three years, I’ve had a desire to do mission work in a Latin American country.  Since November, I became convicted that He was calling me to such work through reading my Bible and praying.  I prayed that He would open the way if it was His will, and He responded by providing with the opportunity for me to teach at a school for missionaries’ children in Pucallpa, Peru for the coming year, maybe more.  The picture above is of a classroom in the school where I would be teaching.

Even after writing that paragraph, I ask myself, “So, why aren’t you going to Peru next year?”  Honestly, I’m not sure that I can fully explain it, but I realized that I had taken my current season for granted.  I felt as though I wasn’t helping as many people here  as I could in Peru.  Worries about money,whether to stay in a sorority, and wanting to focus on school less to focus on God made going to Peru seem like the greener grass on the other side.

That day that I decided to not drop out of school to work and raise money for my missions, that day that I decided to not go to Peru, that day…….that’s when I made the choice to let go of my will and trust that God had put me exactly where I was at the moment.  That was the day that I realized that I was already a missionary–a sharer of the Gospel in every place I went, a lover of His children all around me, a follower of His will no matter what it meant.

We are all missionaries, each and every single one of us.  God has put us each where we are and has given us each talents to use.  While I hope that He will take me to Peru one day, I’ve learned that I simply have to wait peacefully and trust that His will will be done.  We just have to open our eyes to harvest field that we are in–whether it’s a classroom, Starbucks, the office, church, or even a fraternity party.  Once we ask the Lord to send us out into these harvest fields, I think we’ll be surprised by the blessings we gather.

-References to Matthew 9:35-38